(Source: food-gifs, via pinkmanism)
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DO YOU HAVE STRAWBERRIES TRYING TO CONQUER YOUR HOUSE? TIME TO FUCK SHIT UP, BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SOME GODDAMN DELICIOUS STRAWBERRY PIE!
I’M A LAZY SHIT RIGHT NOW, SO JUST FUCKING GRAB A PRE-BAKED PIE CRUST FROM THE STORE! OR MAYBE YOU’RE TOO METAL FOR THAT, THEN YOU CAN FUCK EVERYONE AND MAKE A GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST FROM THIS RECIPE.
WHATEVERTHEFUCK YOU WANT
TAKE 2 CUPS OF STRAWBERRIES AND THROW THEM AT YOUR KNIFE COLLECTION UNTIL THEY ARE PERFECTLY SLICED. PRACTICE YOUR NON-EUCLIDIAN GEOMETRY, THEN PUNCH A VAMPIRE IN THE FACE AND BUTTERFLY KICK THEM INTO THE PIE CRUST
TEACH SOME ORPHANED GOLDFISH HOW TO PLAY SOCCER, THEN KICK ANOTHER 2 CUPS OF STRAWBERRIES INTO A FINE PASTE. THE JUICES SHOULD REMIND YOU OF PAST BATTLES AND THE TORN FLESH OF YOUR ENEMIES.
SMELLS LIKE SWEET VICTORY.
BREAK INTO A STARBUCKS AND RETRIEVE ALL THE SUGAR PACKETS, OR QUEST INTO THE WILD UNKNOWNS OF YOUR CUPBOARDS TO FIND SOME. SWEET-TALK 1 CUP OF SUGAR INTO JOINING IN HOLY MATRIMONY WITH YOUR STRAWBERRY MASH, THEN UNCEREMONIOUSLY DUMP THE TWO OF THEM TOGETHER INTO A SAUCEPAN.
IT’S ABOUT TO GET HOT AND STEAMY UP IN HERE!
TELL THEM IT’S THEIR HONEYMOON AS YOU FLICK THE HEAT UP TO ‘MEDIUM’ AND STIR SLOWLY. WATCH AS THE SUGAR AND FRUIT FLESH DISSOLVES UNDER CONSTANT WAVES OF RISING TEMPERATURES. SMIRK AT THE INEVITABLE DOOM.
WHEN IT STARTS BOILING AND FLINGING BITS FUCKING EVERYWHERE, TURN THE HEAT DOWN TO ‘LOW’ AND TURN YOUR ATTENTIONS ELSEWHERE.
GET OUT YOUR RITUAL SKULL, BECAUSE YOU NEED TO MIX TOGETHER 3 TABLESPOONS OF CORN STARCH AND ¾ CUPS OF WATER!
USING TWO HANDS LIKE A TALENTED MOTHERFUCKER, STIR THE STRAWBERRIES WHILE YOU ADD YOUR DAMN CORNSTARCH WATER. HOLD ON TO YOUR ASSHOLE, BECAUSE THIS REQUIRES PATIENCE!
THE ‘ADDING’ PROCESS SHOULD TAKE NO LESS THAN 1 MINUTE! DROP SOME IN, STIR, REPEAT. NONE OF THIS DUMPING SHIT.
AFTER IT’S ALL SWIRLED TOGETHER AND SMELLING LIKE HEAVEN JUST SQUATTED IN YOUR KITCHEN AND RUBBED ITSELF ALL OVER YOUR FACE, COVER THE FUCKING POT AND LET IT SIT FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES ON LOW HEAT.
GO WRITE SOME EXPLICIT FANFICTION ABOUT ME AND THAT PIE MAKER WHILE YOU WAIT. GODDAMN BEAUTIFUL MACHINE! FUCK!
AFTER YOUR TIMER HAS A HEART ATTACK, POUR YOUR STRAWBERRY SAUCE ALL OVER THOSE SLICED ASSHOLES STILL CHILLING IN THE PIE CRUST LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG IN THE WORLD.
PROVE THEM WRONG AND SHOVE THEM IN THE FRIDGE FOR 3 HOURS! COMPLETE ISOLATION, THEY’LL NEVER BE THE SAME!
IF YOU WANT TO BE A FANCY MOTHERFUCKER, YOU CAN ALWAYS ADD EXTRA STRAWBERRIES ON TOP, AND SERVE WITH WHIPPED TOPPING. -
Fill an ice cube tray with melted chocolate. Add berries. Freeze. Yum.
TUMBLR IS ALWAYS RECIPE GOLD.
jesus christ YES
oh
my
godd
Via/Follow The Absolute Greatest Posts…ever.
(Source: pockymonstah, via thebakerstreetboys)
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Chocolate-Orange Appreciation post.
These are the ACTUAL BEST because you combine the decadence of chocolate with the utter satisfaction of slamming something against a desk and breaking the SHIT out of it.
HNNNNNNNNNG GIVE IT TO ME
asklfjwoiefawfj WANT RIGHT NOW
Oh my GOD I ate one of those once it was perfect <3
BEST FUCKING THING EVER
Did anyone ever have the raspberry one? Cause I had both and I actually prefer the raspberry. But yes mmm.
GOD I LOVE THESE THINGS
I GET ONE EVERY CHRISTMAS AND I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT
(Source: latulapyropes, via tinaofficial)
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How to make your dreams come true:
1. Make a graham cracker crust.
2. Make some cookie dough.
3. Make some cheesecake batter.
4. Put globs of cookie dough in the cheesecake batter.
5. Pour into a springform.
6. Top with more cookie dough.
7. Bake that shit for 40 minutes at 350 degrees fahrenheit. If patient, go to next step. If you don’t give a fuck, skip directly to step 9.
8. Let chill in fridge for 3 hours or overnight.
9. EAT THAT BITCH.
I AM DOING THIS
(via rougebeaujolais)
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Wine ice cream. 5% alcohol. This will revolutionize break-ups and girls’ nights.
Oh my god
This is what I need for finals week.
GET IN MY BELLY
(via labyrinthvoices)
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