Deleted lines from The Avengers script #5
Loki: Kneel before me.
Loki: I said....KNEEEEEELLLLL!!!
*Still no-one kneels*
Stuttgart Citizen: Was sagt er?
Stuttgart Citizen #2: Ich weiß nicht...
Loki: Oh. My apologies. KNIET NIEDER, IHR AMEISEN!!!
Everyone says how much therapy Tom Hiddleston will...
suicidalsnaily: augustetheconsultingmeddler: A...
62 Things the Avengers are Not Allowed to Do.
1. Tony is not allowed to replace the entire contents of the cafeteria with pop-tarts just because Thor has declared it the ‘food of the gods.’
2. Natasha is not allowed to interrogate new S.H.I.E.L.D. employees and dispose of the ones she deems unworthy.
3. Clint is not allowed to continue insisting that is the final step of the interview process to terrified new hires.
4. Tony is not allowed to broadcast sing-along songs into the Hulk-cage, no matter amusing he finds teaching Hulk “Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, turn around”
5. Clint is not allowed to put the security feed of the Hulk’s Teddy Bear dance on Youtube.
6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.
7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.
8. Thor is not allowed to be naked at Headquarters. Ever.
9. Steve is not allowed to address any female S.H.I.E.L.D. agents as ‘little lady,’ ‘broad,’ or ‘dame.’ It only ends in getting slapped.
10. Agent Coulson’s name isn’t “Mom.”
11. Director Fury should never again be addressed as “Dad”
12. Agent Hill is not the Avenger’s wicked stepmother.
13. Clint is not allowed to lurk in the shadowy rafters spying on people, unless specifically instructed to do so for an official S.H.I.E.L.D. sanctioned mission.
14. ‘Operation Irritate the Fuck Out of Nick Fury’ is not an official mission, no matter what Tony or Natasha say to the contrary.
15. Debriefings should not be preceded by tequila shots.
16. Debriefings should not be followed by tequila shots.
17. There are to be no shots of any kind during debriefings.
18. Thor and Hulk will wait to fight until after the battle is over.
19. Tony Stark is not God’s gift to women.
20. The Avengers do not need matching uniforms.
21. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to have a contest to see who can make a bigger “boom” in the lab.
22. Thor is not allowed to join in and make the biggest boom with his hammer.
23. The Avengers will not be celebrating Steve’s 94th birthday.
24. The laboratory is not Tony and Bruce’s ‘Super Secret Genius Clubhouse.’ They are not allowed to bar entry to employees based on IQ test results.
25. The Avengers are not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
26. Iron Man is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
27. Tony Stark is not making a promotional pin-up calendar. Or a sex tape.
28. Thor is not allowed to ‘bring down the wrath of Odinson’ on the person who ate the last package of pop-tarts.
29. Pants are not optional at team meetings.
30. ‘Pepper said it was okay’ is not a good enough reason to defy a director order from command.
31. The words “What’s the worst that could happen?” are never to be uttered on a mission ever again.
32. MC Hammer did not write Thor a theme song.
33. Gumby is not the love child of Bruce Banner and Reed Richards.
34. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to impersonate members of the clergy ever again. Ever.
35. Blasting ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’ at top volume into Bruce’s room on loop overnight is not an effective way to suppress the Hulk.
36. Hawkeye is not sitting in the rafters waiting to pick off people playing Galaga on their computer during work hours.
37. Tony is not allowed to bribe Natasha and Clint to physically, emotionally or psychologically torture General Ross for being ‘a great big douchebucket’ and ‘being mean to Brucie-kins.’
38. Steve is ‘Captain America’ not ‘Captain New York and those 49 other, lesser states.’
39. ‘Hulk SMASH!’ is not an effective diplomatic policy.
40. Tony is not allowed to buy the Dodgers and move them back to Brooklyn to apologize for lighting Steve’s hair on fire.
41. The phrase ‘Trust me, I’m a doctor’ never leads anywhere good.
42. It is not funny to dare Bruce to drink three quarts of green food coloring before a urine test.
43. Steve is not to be introduced as ‘Captain Tightpants’ or ‘The All-American Virgin.’
44. The Avengers do not ‘charge into battle, naked like the Celts.’ Except for The Hulk. Sometimes.
45. Natasha’s glare is not in fact fatal. Tony is not allowed to continue implying that it is.
46. Tony is not allowed to convince Bruce to help him make death ray goggles so that it will be.
47. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow the American government, just because they didn’t like the results from the last election.
48. The Avengers are not allowed to overthrow any government, without checking in with S.H.I.E.L.D. first.
49. Clint is not allowed to sell Thor any ‘magic beans.’
50. Natasha and Clint are not allowed to try to sell Tony to another planet, even if they are promised really cool new weapons in exchange.
51. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go to any science conferences without a chaperone.
52. A robot Tony built does not count as a chaperone.
53. Nikola Tesla is not a vampire being held in the bowels of S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters.
54. Tony and Bruce are not allowed to go searching for him in the name of Science!
55. Clint’s super-power is not ‘being super-annoying.’
56. The following words and phrases are never to be uttered over communication devices during an active mission ever again: “Exploring sexuality,” “Necrophilia,” “It’s getting hot in herr, so take off all your clothes,” “I hate everyone on this mission and I wish they’d die in a fire,” “Nick Fury can go suck on a big bag of sausages,” references to Bruce’s giant stash of weed, mention of anyone’s erection, or “Shawarma.”
57. If it makes Tony giggle for more than 30 seconds, it isn’t allowed.
58. If it makes Natasha crack a smile, it’s probably illegal.
59. Thor taking Jane to see Asgard does not count as an alien abduction. Clint should stop referring to it as such.
60. Just because Bruce agreed to work in Tony’s lab, does not mean he needs to get a “Property of Stark Industries” tattoo.
61. Tony is not allowed to design a robot to draw said tattoo on Bruce when he falls asleep in the lab.
62. Post-mission reports to Director Fury should not start out ‘So let me explain…’
THE AVENGERS SUMMARY: PART 1
Nick Fury: We have this unstable thing called the Baccarat or whatever and you can tell it has unlimited energy because it GLOWS
Loki: Hey guys I'm back did you miss me
Hawkeye: I did a little
Loki: K let's see what this spear or whatever does
Spear or whatever: BAZAM MOTHERFUCKERS
Loki: Right I'll be taking your Baccarat your scientist guy and your sexiest agent
Nick Fury: Hey so we need to do that Avenger thing now
Agent Coulson: That might take a really long time
Nick Fury: Whatever do it in montage
Bruce Banner: I'm the cuddliest version of the Hulk
Capt. Amuricur: Check out my sweet ass
Black Widow: Check out my boobs they're the only one's you'll see in this movie
Iron Man: When I made that suit I had no idea it would eventually be a cockblock
Hawkeye: I'm evil rn bbl
Thor: I'm in Asgard atm
Agent Coulson: Hey Captain so I may have caressed you while you were chillin' in a chunk of ice also I designed a costume for you do you want to be friends can I take a picture with you can I touch your abs seriously just lift your shirt for a second so I can touch them
Loki: I don't always dress like a human to be inconspicuous but when I do I immediately attack a German official in the middle of a party
Capt. Amuricur: We interrupt this program to bring you AMERICA
Iron Man: Sup Captain
LATER, IN A PLANE
Loki: Thor technically brohug doesn't apply because we're not even related
Thor: You'll always be my brother, Loki-chan. Now allow me to look deep into your eyes and invade your intimate personal space with my beard
Iron Man: IRON GLOMP
Thor: You wanna go motherfucker let's break the forest
Smokey the Bear: But Thor only you can prevent forest fires
Capt. Amuricur: GUYS STAWP IT
BACK AT THE FLOATING CASTLE LEGION OF DOOM
Bruce Banner: Sup
Iron Man: Hey I just met you and this is crazy but here's my number so call me maybe
Everyone: Shit now what the fuck do we ship
AFTER MUCH BANTER
Capt. Amuricur: What the fuck you're making nukes you nuke-makers
Bruce Banner: I am slightly ticked off
Iron Man: I think you should hulk out
Capt. Amuricur: Shut up tony or I'll invade your personal space
Iron Man: Not if I invade yours first
Capt. Amuricur: I am gonna fight you so hard later
Iron Man: You smell like justice
Hawkeye: Still evil here
Bruce Banner: It's not easy being green
Loki: I am escaping from my cage now
Thor: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOhug oh shit
Iron Man: Fixing things with science
Capt. Amuricur: Assisting with ab-power
Hawkeye: Fucking shit up with Arrows
Agent Coulson: Hey I'm about to be badass I hope Loki doesn't take me from behind teehee oh shit
Loki: I take people no other way
Loki: Lates Onee-san
Nick Fury: No Agent you can't die I don't know how to fill out paperwork
Agent Coulson: Tell Captain America.... I wrote.... twilight fanfiction.... about us.... shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Agent Coulson: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Agent Coulson: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
Everyone: He was a good man. He was a good agent. And The Avengers couldn't have existed without his sacrifice.
Everyone: Also GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
Mars is filled with water
people: cool at least we know somewhere to get more water when we run out
whovians: don't go near that shit
I just realized... Loki calls himself a monster...
Sciencebros gif comic.
labish: Had always wanted to make a gif comic. And I haven’t really drew any decent sciencebros art, hence. Based on this post here by faygo-cytosis, taken from this lovely ficlet by Bleeding Jazz Gums. My personal favorite has to be the second last gif.